A Pox on Fridays
by Aservis Roturier
Summary: First days of anything are always hell. So what's your first day in Hell like? More of the same I suppose. T for implied this n' that.


A/N almost forgot to give GarGoyl, another Kurofanfic writer and good friend, credit for inspiring the coliseum style Chess Tuesdays. Go read her Kuroshitsuji stories and you'll see why (hint: it's the one set in Hell-though the other one's good too.)

* * *

It was just another day in Hell: hot dry and full of screaming, when a portal opened and La Phantomhive and his now permanently-attached butler were spat out onto what passed for Times Square in the middle of Hell (or Infernum, as the locals called it.) Ciel found himself trip-skid-tumbling down the side of a lumpy coal-studded slag heap wreathed in sulfurous fumes. After about 15 seconds of resistance the pint-sized demon gave up and just let himself roll like a loose hubcap to the bottom-it wasn't like he could die from a fall at this point.

Finally he (and a lot of little clinker imps he'd swept up on his way down landed thump on the hot) cracked earth with a loud WHUMPH! The imps giggled and skipped off back to the slag heap. Ciel remained prone, groaning. The other demons and nether creatures stared but gave the newcomers a wide berth in case they turned out to be important or powerful.

Sebastian, of course, took no part of this ignominious entrance. He landed lightly beside his rumpled master and did his best not to laugh out loud. Ciel rose up on the third try, slapped the servant's hands away from him and immediately ordered his butler to hit himself in the groin with all his strength six times in revenge for all the giggling he was doing at Ciel's expense.

Sebastian (still suppressing giggles) reluctantly complied (and privately told himself it was worth every ounce of pain to see his lord go arse over teacup.) He then shook off the unpleasant sensation, shivered his way into his true form and then addressed his little master with his patented fake smile (Rictus Horribilis, patent-pending) affixed to his face.

"And now that we have arrived, what would my lord care to do on his first official day in Hell? Bit of sightseeing? Spot of torturing sinners? Mmm, kicking dogs, pinching toddlers, teasing nuns..." the demon butler checked the pocket watch which had now become a permanent part of his true form and said "it's about 4 o'clock topside, would you care to sit down to a nice cup of lava and some rock cakes to sharpen your fangs on?"

The boy cringed, covered his mouth and decided tea time in Hell was definitely not his thing. "What else is there to do down here? You know the sort of things I like Sebastian..."

"Well, Hell can be a fun place. For demons, at least. There are actually quite a lot of organised activities."

"Really." The boy said dryly.

"You have no idea how much trouble a whole world of bored demons can get up to. Best to keep them busy, is what the leaders have concluded after eons of experience."

The boy stood a moment picturing demons playing shuffleboard, croquet and cricket and then said "Mmnno, I doubt it would be anything I'd be interested in."

"Well young master, not so fast. Let's see... what is today?"

"You know very well what day it is. It's Tuesday."

"Oh good. In that case would my lord perhaps fancy a game or two of chess?"

"They have chess tournaments down here?!"

"But of course. Chess is about destroying your opponents-where do you think the game came from? Here though, we play with live pieces in a coliseum. You just round up the proper number of sinners, rope them together and head over... _there_," the tall demon shaded his eyes and pointed off to his right. "That's the coliseum, see? You just get in line and when it's your turn put your pieces on the board, warn them they'll be vapourised if they make any move you don't order, and see how long you can last! Quite exciting really, what with the stand full of howling demons cheering and booing you, not to mention throwing things."

"Hmm..." the demonic earl tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well perhaps later, what else is there?"

"Well, I know you used to enjoy an occasional flutter on the ponies,"

"They have horse races?"

"We have races."

"But not horses?"

"Nothing you'd recognise as a horse, no."At that moment a pair of demonic forms rode up side by side to the crossroads on a pair of moving mountains. The two demons were yelling at each other furiously. When they were dead centre where the two roads crossed, one stood up on his saddle and shouted something Ciel couldn't make out then walloped his beast with a thing that resembled a giant horsewhip. The beast promptly reared up and let go an earth-shattering roar. A blast of flames shot from its mouth, and when the smoke and noise dissipated both the other demon and about half _his_ beast had disappeared. The remaining smoking husk toppled over, blocking the intersection in all directions.

."Is that one of the-"

"Y-yes, my lord."

"So again, nothing like its namesake on earth."

"No, but tomorrow _is_ Race Day. Most participants need at least a week to get over the _last_ Race Day, if they get over it at all."

"I see. And Thursdays?"

"Corporate Takeover Day."

"And is it-"

"Actually it's _exactly_ the same as it is on earth. You'll fit right in. You'd be amazed how many big businesses of earth are actually owned and run by demons."

"No I wouldn't," said the boy with a perfectly straight face. "What about Fridays then?"

"My Lord... how do you feel about..."

"...about?"

"I didn't serve you long enough to really need to teach you anything about sexual relations, but I suppose it will come as no great shock to you that amongst our kind, pretty much anything goes in that department. We're very non-judgmental. Anything you can imagine, anyone and any _thing_ you can tackle and bend to your will is considered fair game in Hell when it comes to sex."

The boy snorted prissily and made an ugly face. "Disgusting... I have no interest whatever in any of that sex nonsense."

Sebastian's mouth curled ever so slightly at the corners and suddenly there was a certain dangerous gleam in his eyes as he said, "Well then, my Lord, I'm afraid you are going to _really hate_ Fridays."


End file.
